A Dread Pirate Christmas

Once upon a time, long ago, when pirates ruled the seven seas, there lived a pirate more feared, more fierce, more terrifying, more smelly than any pirate who ever lived. 

And his name…was Tim.   However, what most folks did call him, was

THE DREAD PIRATE ARRRRGGGGHHH

One day,  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh  was on the deck of his ship, the “ohhhh nooooo”, thinking, as he usually did, about how he could locate more Atomic Joe's Baked Beans.

One o’ his crew did come up and said “Cap’n?”.  The Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh  looked up at the lad.

”What da ya want..arrrr?  Can’t ya see I be here thinkin me deep thoughts?”

Actually,  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh was not thinking deep thoughts, but as indicated, was thikning about Atomic Joes.  He tended to obsess about baked beans.

“Yer pardon cap’n” the crewman said.  “The lads and I were just wonderin if’n ya did know what day it twas?”. 

“What day?” said the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh questioningly.  “Why in the blue blazes would I be carin what day tis?  Do the sun be out?  Why yes, tis.  Do there be wind me sails?  Why yes, there be.  Do there be beans in me pantry?  Well…there blasted well better be.!  What more do I be needin ta know…arrrrr”.

“Well cap’n, tis December 22^nd.”

“So, tis nice ta know ye can count.  Hmmm…are maybe tis not good ta know ye can count..” said the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh , thinkin that he would have to watch himself when he divvied up the loot.

“Sir, tis three days til Christmas.”

“CHRISTMAS!?!!” howled  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh !  “WE BE PIRATES!!!!  What do we need with Christmas…fer the love o’ the sea and by Poseidon’s stinky butt…we be havin no need o’ Chrismtas and such!!”

“Well cap’n, we were hopin we might be allowed to have a wee Christmas party fer the crew…”

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh’s face turned red, then purple, then nearly black as he stood there stampin his feet and throwin a classic  Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh  hissy fit.  Then just like any container will when tis too full…he opened his mouth and began cursin and hollerin and sputterin.  He jumped up on his chair, stamped his feet, jumped up and down, and sputtered and screamed a unending stream of nonsense and foul language that in fact, may have created the Bermuda Triangle.

He then turned and looked at the crewman…and fixed him with THE DREAD LOOK!!!

The crewman fainted.

Now,  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh  was not really such a bad fellow, (fer a pirate that is), and he felt slightly bad fer making the poor sailor faint away.  When the lad awoke,  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh  said to him.  “Fine, ya bunch o’ mamby pamby excuses fer sailors..ye can have yer blasted Christmas party..but ye will blasted well keep it down and let me have some nice quiet time.  I be having deep thoughts to think.  Arrrrr”.

The sailor said thanks and ran to tell the crew, whilst the Dread Pirate Arrrgggghh went back to thinking about Atomic Joe’s baked beans, and where he could find some.

On December the 24^th, the crew had their party.  Now, the crew did love  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh  (surprising as that may be)..fer he did take good care of em, and did not resort ta choppin off their heads or makin em walk the plank (well, most o’ the time).   They wanted him ta come to the party, and they had all joined tagether ta get him a Christmas present which they felt sure he would love.

So the crew hatched a plan ta get  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh to come to the party.  The same lad who had asked about it found  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh  on the deck, looking sour and puzzled at the same time.  He could tell that  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh  was thinking “I want some more Atomic Joe’s baked beans…but where in the blue blazes can I find em!?!”.  This was not a stretch, as 9 times out of 10, this was the thought running through  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh ’s head. 

“Cap’n?” the crewman said.

“WHHHAAAAT?!?!?!  Am I just sitting here with a blasted sign saying ‘Please disturb me fer I’m not thinking ‘bout nothing important or anything and am in fact just waitin fer yer ridiculously stupid question so’s I can feel useful?’.  No I am not!  What do ya want now blast ya..and answer quick, fer me Dread Look is feelin extra dreadful tonight…arrrr” and  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh  scowled at the crewman.

 

“Sir..” he began stammeringly, “..ummm…well cap’n, umm…ya see, umm…we did think ya might want to …well, maybe…perhaps….ummm”

“SPIT IT OUT YA STAMMERIN IDJIT!”..hollered  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh .

“Wethoughtyoumightwanttocomedowntothepartycauseoneofthelad’sisgivingOne-EyedTonyacaseof AtomicJoe’sbakedbeans” said the crewman in one long stream of sound, barely stopping to breath.

“What.  Did.  You.  Say.” said  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh …menace oozing from every syllable.

The crewman was so terrified by  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh ’s tone…he again fainted dead away. 

“Oh fer the love o’ the merfolk!” said  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh ..and he stomped away ta find the party, and a whole case of Atomic Joe’s baked beans.

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh approached the galley, and he could hear the sounds of merriment and partying from within.  He listened at the door, and again began stompin and stammering..

”We are PIRATES!  PIRATES PIRATE PIRATES PIRATESPIREATESPIRATES!! ARRRRRRRRGGGHHH!   We do not have parites!   Blast it all!!” and he turned around, and released his “Exploding Fart o’ fire” fart.

PWWWWFTTTTBOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

The door to the galley disintegrated.

He strode in and the entire crew stopped in their tracks and stared at him in complete and utter terror.  (Or, perhaps the after effects of the Fart o’ fire simply had them dazed..one can’t be sure!)

“Somebody…” began  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh, “..has a case o’ Atomic Joe’s Baked Beans in here.  GIVE THEM TO ME!!!!”

Nobody moved, or said a word.  The first mate and the doctor came slowly and timidly forward.  “Cap’n” they began, “could we ask ya to have a seat fer a moment?”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!   I will not have a blasted seat.!  Ye’ve all betrayed me by holding out on the Atomic Joe’s!  I will not be sittin around fer this..tis MUTINY!”

“Sir..” they said. “Please…a moment sir and all will be explained.”

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR” growled  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh , but he slowly sat down in the offered seat.

The crew all breathed a sigh of relief, and then the first mate and the doctor came forward and between them they carried a large box wrapped in very brightly colored paper.  They set the package in the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh ’s lap, and the entire crew shouted out

“MERRY CHRISTMAS CAP’N!!”

“What the..?” said  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh ..and he tore the paper off the package to reveal…a full case of Atomic Joe’s baked beans.

Nobody said a word.   The Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh  didn’t say a thing.

He didn’t breath.  He couldn’t believe a whole case of Atomic Joe’s was in his lap.

He felt…odd.   He felt…warm. 

He looked up.   And he gave they entire crew….THE DREAD LOOK!!!!!!

The crew immediately passed out.

What happened next, well, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh does not cry, but Tim, well Tim might.  And in fact Tim did.  He began….to cry.

He couldn't believe his crew had given him an ENTIRE case of Atomic Joes.

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh was not used to such terribly inconvienent emotions…so..he grabbed his case of beans, and ran up to his room and locked the door.  He then proceeded to eat the ENTIRE case of Atomic Joe’s baked beans.

Several hours later (It was a very powerful DREAD LOOK!), the crew came to.  One of the newer crewman said “Well, now that twas just rude!  I mean, not  a word o thanks or nuttin..and instead we all get Dread Looked into unconsciousness…I mean..after all that trouble…”

“Shut up ya idjit” said the first mate.  “Come her lads, and see sumpin that ain’t ne’er been seen afore…and if’n ya asked me, I would a said it ne’er would a been seen.”

The crew gathered around the chair where the DPA had been sitting, and the first mate pointed to a small puddle.

“Look lads…” he said, awe in his voice.  “The tears of the Dread Pirate Arrrgggggghh!!!!!”

The crew stared, mouths agape, unable to believe it.  Then, slowly, they all began to smile.  They knew that their gift had touched  the Dread Pirate Arrrggghhh .  They knew that he loved it.  They then proceeded to get completely drunk on rum, and didn’t wake up fer three days.

Epilogue:

This quote did appear in the “St. John’s Sea Watch” paper fer December 31^st of that same year.

“Twas noted that a massive fireworks display of unkown origin did grace the skys o’re St. John. Fireworks and gouts of explosive flame did shoot thousands of feet in the air.  The citizens of St. John were truly amazed by the sights.  However, it should be noted that two hours after the end of the fireworks, they entire town was knocked unconscious by the most horrible and awful smell that anyone had every smelt.”

The DPA never again attempted to eat an ENTIRE case of Atomic Joe’s baked beans again. One can was plenty. 

THE END.

THE DREAD PIRATE...Tim?

Sit back now lads and lassies, and I'll be tellin ya a tale that will send shivers down yer spine.  A tale of a time when pirates ruled the seas; of the most feared pirate what ever sailed, the Dread Pirate...Tim..

Ok..ok, ya got me ya blasted smarty pants!  It's true, this be the tales of that fiercest of pirates, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh...and indeed 'tis..

But mayhap, what ya don't be knowin is...the Dread Pirate Arrrrggghh...was not always known by that name..and in point a' fact ya blasted barnacles ya, his given name (meanin the one what was given ta him by his parents)..was Tim.  

So, what with this bein' the very first tale on this blasted blog site thing, seemed like twas a good place to begin..and so we do, begin that is..from the beginning.

THE ORIGIN OF THE DREAD PIRATE ARRRRGGGGHHH

(or the pirate what was formerly known as Tim)

Long ago, in the days when pirates ruled the seven seas; when the world would tremble at the names of Blackbeard, Bluebeard, the unfortunately named Greenbeard, Barbosa, Cap'n Kidd, and the not often remembered, Cap'n Whatsisname, but above all of em, the most feared pirate of all times, was the Dread Pirate...Tim.  Well, no, that's not the name he was feared by, but twas in fact his name.  Until, of course, it changed. 

Now, Tim, ya see, was a fine strappin fellow who was born on February 29th, a leap-year don't ya know, and was in fact generally annoyed with the world fer only lettin him have a birthday once every four years.  When all the kids he did grow up with were turnin 8, Tim was turnin 2, and they did tease and torment him..."yer just a wee baby..wah wah" they did taunt him...

Now, this did last til Tim's 3rd birthday (if'n yer payin attention, that t'would mean he were about 12)..and he discovered what was ta be his most favorite food of all time. 

BAKED BEANS!

Yes ya know where that's gonna lead now don't ya!  Now stop that singing right now!  I can hear ya, ya blasted miscreants~!  Don't think I don't! 
"Beans Beans their good for your heart...the more you eat the more you..."STOP THAT! You'll be wreckin me story!

Alright then..so yes, Tim discovered the wonders of beans.  The lad became obssessed with them.  Chili with beans, baked beans, barbecued beans, chocolate covered beans, macaroni and beans, beans and butter.  He even tried green beans..but that didn't last fer long.   


And yes, ya guessed it..as Tim ate more'n more beans..he began to produce more and more...farts.  Yes, that's right, I did say it right here.  He farted.  He farted A LOT!


And as he grew, and as he ate more...those farts...got worse. 


When Tim turned 5 (that's 20 ta all ye none leap year born people), he took ta the seas, and in just a few short months was the captain of his own ship, which he named "The Dread Pirate Tim's really scary ship...ooohhh...aahhhhh..ooohhhh..". Look, he mighta been a fine pirate and all, but that dont' mean he's all that smart.


Now, try as he might, as fearsome as he was..nobody seemed to be overly worried about the Dread Pirate Tim and his ship, The Dread Pirate Tim's really scary ship ..oooohh..ahhhh..ooohhh.  Well, ya can figure why, i mean by the time ya said all that you'd have forgotten to be afraid. 


Well, when yer a pirate, and a fine one at that, you ding dang well expect ta be feared and all that.  So Tim tried ta figure out how to become more fearsome.  He became the greatest swordsman of his day..but still when his ship showed up folks would just say "Oh..it's Tim..yawn...".  He became the best fighter, the best marksman, the best of every piratical thing he could be..but 'twas no use.  Nobody was afraid of "Tim" and his ship..blah blah blah. 


Then things changed.  Tim had pulled into the port of Tortuga..and was sittin at his favorite restaurant enjoying a fine plate of sausages and beans.  He had himself four helpings.  And something happened inside his guts...as they churned and percolated.  Tim wasn't shy about lettin his farts out, fer after all, pirates don't tend ta have the best of manners, and so with a great sigh he lifted up one of his butt cheeks and .

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

It was horrible.  The chair Tim was sittin on burst apart.  Tis said the little bits o' wood from the chair all disintegrated.  A bird flyin through the air above him passed into the horrible fart gas..and dropped stone dead ta the ground. The waiter walked over ta check on him..and he said..'Is there anything I can..ararrarrrrrhgghhhhh" and he passed out and fell flat on his face.  Tim thought "Well that's different.".  


Oh twas a great and powerful bout o' gas that Tim was having.  He stood up to leave, turned around and "PFFTTT"  another fart.  The glass in the door melted.  He walked away and as he passed a tree.."PFFTTTT"..and the tree pulled it's own roots out of the ground and ran clear across the island.  PFFFFT...PFFFFFT  PFFFTTT!  Tim walked through the town and people started acting....afraid!   As soon as Tim would turn down a streets people would point and scream and run.  


WELL NOW WASN'T THIS GRAND!  FINALLY!  


He began shouting out his name "Watch out ya landlubbers..fer the Dread Pirate Tim's here!"...and people started shouting "OHHHH NOOOOOOOOO! It's the Dread Pirate.....ARRRGGHHHHH"..because by the time they got to his name..the farts had overwhelmed em and all they could say was....ARRRRGGGHHH.


So, if yer as smart as ya act..ya can see where this be going...and sure enough...over the span of a few days...The Dread Pirate Tim was forgotten, and people discovered a new terror..the most feared pirate who ever lived.  The most awful, most despised, most horrific pirate what ever said Yo ho HO!

THE DREAD PIRATE ARRRRGGGHHH

And though he was the greatest swordsman, marksman, fighter, navigator, captain, and pirate ta ever live...what made him a legend...was his incredibly awful smelly horrible..farts.