Ok..ok, ya got me ya blasted smarty pants! It's true, this be the tales of that fiercest of pirates, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh...and indeed 'tis..
But mayhap, what ya don't be knowin is...the Dread Pirate Arrrrggghh...was not always known by that name..and in point a' fact ya blasted barnacles ya, his given name (meanin the one what was given ta him by his parents)..was Tim.
So, what with this bein' the very first tale on this blasted blog site thing, seemed like twas a good place to begin..and so we do, begin that is..from the beginning.
(or the pirate what was formerly known as Tim)
Long ago, in the days when pirates ruled the seven seas; when the world would tremble at the names of Blackbeard, Bluebeard, the unfortunately named Greenbeard, Barbosa, Cap'n Kidd, and the not often remembered, Cap'n Whatsisname, but above all of em, the most feared pirate of all times, was the Dread Pirate...Tim. Well, no, that's not the name he was feared by, but twas in fact his name. Until, of course, it changed.
Now, Tim, ya see, was a fine strappin fellow who was born on February 29th, a leap-year don't ya know, and was in fact generally annoyed with the world fer only lettin him have a birthday once every four years. When all the kids he did grow up with were turnin 8, Tim was turnin 2, and they did tease and torment him..."yer just a wee baby..wah wah" they did taunt him...
Now, this did last til Tim's 3rd birthday (if'n yer payin attention, that t'would mean he were about 12)..and he discovered what was ta be his most favorite food of all time.
Yes ya know where that's gonna lead now don't ya! Now stop that singing right now! I can hear ya, ya blasted miscreants~! Don't think I don't!
STOP THAT! You'll be wreckin me story!
STOP THAT! You'll be wreckin me story!
Alright then..so yes, Tim discovered the wonders of beans. The lad became obssessed with them. Chili with beans, baked beans, barbecued beans, chocolate covered beans, macaroni and beans, beans and butter. He even tried green beans..but that didn't last fer long.
And yes, ya guessed it..as Tim ate more'n more beans..he began to produce more and more...farts. Yes, that's right, I did say it right here. He farted. He farted A LOT!
And as he grew, and as he ate more...those farts...got worse.
When Tim turned 5 (that's 20 ta all ye none leap year born people), he took ta the seas, and in just a few short months was the captain of his own ship, which he named "The Dread Pirate Tim's really scary ship...ooohhh...aahhhhh..ooohhhh..". Look, he mighta been a fine pirate and all, but that dont' mean he's all that smart.
Now, try as he might, as fearsome as he was..nobody seemed to be overly worried about the Dread Pirate Tim and his ship, The Dread Pirate Tim's really scary ship ..oooohh..ahhhh..ooohhh. Well, ya can figure why, i mean by the time ya said all that you'd have forgotten to be afraid.
Well, when yer a pirate, and a fine one at that, you ding dang well expect ta be feared and all that. So Tim tried ta figure out how to become more fearsome. He became the greatest swordsman of his day..but still when his ship showed up folks would just say "Oh..it's Tim..yawn...". He became the best fighter, the best marksman, the best of every piratical thing he could be..but 'twas no use. Nobody was afraid of "Tim" and his ship..blah blah blah.
Then things changed. Tim had pulled into the port of Tortuga..and was sittin at his favorite restaurant enjoying a fine plate of sausages and beans. He had himself four helpings. And something happened inside his guts...as they churned and percolated. Tim wasn't shy about lettin his farts out, fer after all, pirates don't tend ta have the best of manners, and so with a great sigh he lifted up one of his butt cheeks and .
It was horrible. The chair Tim was sittin on burst apart. Tis said the little bits o' wood from the chair all disintegrated. A bird flyin through the air above him passed into the horrible fart gas..and dropped stone dead ta the ground. The waiter walked over ta check on him..and he said..'Is there anything I can..ararrarrrrrhgghhhhh" and he passed out and fell flat on his face. Tim thought "Well that's different.".
Oh twas a great and powerful bout o' gas that Tim was having. He stood up to leave, turned around and "PFFTTT" another fart. The glass in the door melted. He walked away and as he passed a tree.."PFFTTTT"..and the tree pulled it's own roots out of the ground and ran clear across the island. PFFFFT...PFFFFFT PFFFTTT! Tim walked through the town and people started acting....afraid! As soon as Tim would turn down a streets people would point and scream and run.
WELL NOW WASN'T THIS GRAND! FINALLY!
He began shouting out his name "Watch out ya landlubbers..fer the Dread Pirate Tim's here!"...and people started shouting "OHHHH NOOOOOOOOO! It's the Dread Pirate.....ARRRGGHHHHH"..because by the time they got to his name..the farts had overwhelmed em and all they could say was....ARRRRGGGHHH.
So, if yer as smart as ya act..ya can see where this be going...and sure enough...over the span of a few days...The Dread Pirate Tim was forgotten, and people discovered a new terror..the most feared pirate who ever lived. The most awful, most despised, most horrific pirate what ever said Yo ho HO!
And though he was the greatest swordsman, marksman, fighter, navigator, captain, and pirate ta ever live...what made him a legend...was his incredibly awful smelly horrible..farts.
And yes, ya guessed it..as Tim ate more'n more beans..he began to produce more and more...farts. Yes, that's right, I did say it right here. He farted. He farted A LOT!
And as he grew, and as he ate more...those farts...got worse.
When Tim turned 5 (that's 20 ta all ye none leap year born people), he took ta the seas, and in just a few short months was the captain of his own ship, which he named "The Dread Pirate Tim's really scary ship...ooohhh...aahhhhh..ooohhhh..". Look, he mighta been a fine pirate and all, but that dont' mean he's all that smart.
Now, try as he might, as fearsome as he was..nobody seemed to be overly worried about the Dread Pirate Tim and his ship, The Dread Pirate Tim's really scary ship ..oooohh..ahhhh..ooohhh. Well, ya can figure why, i mean by the time ya said all that you'd have forgotten to be afraid.
Well, when yer a pirate, and a fine one at that, you ding dang well expect ta be feared and all that. So Tim tried ta figure out how to become more fearsome. He became the greatest swordsman of his day..but still when his ship showed up folks would just say "Oh..it's Tim..yawn...". He became the best fighter, the best marksman, the best of every piratical thing he could be..but 'twas no use. Nobody was afraid of "Tim" and his ship..blah blah blah.
Then things changed. Tim had pulled into the port of Tortuga..and was sittin at his favorite restaurant enjoying a fine plate of sausages and beans. He had himself four helpings. And something happened inside his guts...as they churned and percolated. Tim wasn't shy about lettin his farts out, fer after all, pirates don't tend ta have the best of manners, and so with a great sigh he lifted up one of his butt cheeks and .
It was horrible. The chair Tim was sittin on burst apart. Tis said the little bits o' wood from the chair all disintegrated. A bird flyin through the air above him passed into the horrible fart gas..and dropped stone dead ta the ground. The waiter walked over ta check on him..and he said..'Is there anything I can..ararrarrrrrhgghhhhh" and he passed out and fell flat on his face. Tim thought "Well that's different.".
Oh twas a great and powerful bout o' gas that Tim was having. He stood up to leave, turned around and "PFFTTT" another fart. The glass in the door melted. He walked away and as he passed a tree.."PFFTTTT"..and the tree pulled it's own roots out of the ground and ran clear across the island. PFFFFT...PFFFFFT PFFFTTT! Tim walked through the town and people started acting....afraid! As soon as Tim would turn down a streets people would point and scream and run.
WELL NOW WASN'T THIS GRAND! FINALLY!
He began shouting out his name "Watch out ya landlubbers..fer the Dread Pirate Tim's here!"...and people started shouting "OHHHH NOOOOOOOOO! It's the Dread Pirate.....ARRRGGHHHHH"..because by the time they got to his name..the farts had overwhelmed em and all they could say was....ARRRRGGGHHH.
So, if yer as smart as ya act..ya can see where this be going...and sure enough...over the span of a few days...The Dread Pirate Tim was forgotten, and people discovered a new terror..the most feared pirate who ever lived. The most awful, most despised, most horrific pirate what ever said Yo ho HO!
And though he was the greatest swordsman, marksman, fighter, navigator, captain, and pirate ta ever live...what made him a legend...was his incredibly awful smelly horrible..farts.
