The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh and the Search for Davey Jones' Locker

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh and the Search for Davey Jones' Locker

Long ago, in the days when pirates did rule the seven seas, there lived a pirate more feared, more frightening, more dangerous and more deadly than any other pirate what ever did set sail...

  

THE DREAD PIRATE ARRRGGGHH

I've no need to recount to ya why, fer all do know that 'twas the stentch of his flatulatence what did make him the most feared pirate that 'ere lived.  'Twas said that on a windy day, if the Dread Pirate Arrggghh were to loose one of his famous "Eyebrow scortchers", that if the wind did take it...the wind would stop, and turn about ta head in the other direction.  'twas that bad. 

Now, in the days before the Barton von Beantle (aka: Atomic Joe) did become the cook aboard the "OH Noooooo" (The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh's vessel if'n ya ain't been payin attention!), most o' his days were spent in the search fer Atomic Joe's baked beans.  'Twas his obsession indeed.  The tale I'll be spinnin ya now, comes from those days, when Atomic Joe's was frightful hard ta find, and truth be told, possessin a can was a risky business (fer, if the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh did find out ya had it...he'd be after ya in no time...). 

'Twas late on a Thursday evening, and the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh was just finishin' off his nightly repast, a favorite o' his, Bean's and Burgers.  He sat back and loosenin his belt opened his mouth and ....

BRAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!

No, 'twas'nt a fart, but rather a mighty burp.  It rang loud and long across the decks of the "Oh Nooooo!" and as it did, the crew began ta run, fast as they could fer their quarters.  Why, ya might ask?  Twas only  a burp, not one of the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh's nasy horrid stinky farts.  Ahhh, but ya see...the crew had been livin with the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh fer quite a long time...and they new that a burp of such magnitude, of such volume, of such length...was but a precursor fer something much much worse.

 

Now, as ya might image, seein' as the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh does in fact often times be namin the foul odors what do exude from his butt, if'n there was ta be one that "Shall not be named"...ya can bet it's a nasty one!

 

And sure enough, in but a few more moments...there did erupt from the depths o' the ship a sound what can only be described as the complete and utter lack of sound.  Silence be  not a strong enough word.   Ya mighta been hearing some o' yer young chums sayin that a wee little stinky fart were "Silent but deadly".  Well, I'm here ta tell ya, this is THE FART what did inspire the term..fer "The Fart Which Shall Not Be Named" was so foul, so awful, so horrible..that it did frighten sound itself away. 

 

 

 

 

I be serious!  If'n ya could talk ta sound it would say "Well, now, who in their right mind would stick around in such a horrid stinky place?  I may just be some waves and what not, but even I be havin' better sense 'n that!" 

 

Of course, as usual, I be gettin' meself off track, well, a bit anyways.  Ya see, this particular FWSNBN (Fart which shall not be named) was possibly the single most powerful FWSNBN what e're been pooted outta the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh's behind!   In fact..'twas so strong, so powerful, and so blasted stinky, that deep deep down in the depths, at the very bottom o' the sea...it did have an impact.

 

As ye may or may not be aware, at the bottom o' the sea Davey Jones sits in his locker, just waitin' fer the chance to drag some poor sailor down to serve him fer ever! He be havin' all sorts a nasty beasties at his beck and call, but his very favorite be :

 

 

Oh yes indeed, the Kraken..very scary..quite frightening.  But..ya see, the point I be makin' is that the FWSNBN was so strong, so powerful (blah blah blah..ye be knowing the rest) that the Kraken did run away, cram itself into a hole, and all what could be seen was one itty bitty teeny tiny little eyeball blinkin out. 

 

 

 

If'n ya ever did doubt the power of the Dread Pirate Arrrgghh's farts..just remember the Kraken!

 

Well, needless ta be said, Davey Jones was a bit less'n pleased to have his mighty fearfuly monster Kraken turned into a wee scaredy cat.  So, he did decide might be a good time fer him ta do a bit o' investigatin. 

 

So Davey did creep out o' his locker, and then he did run RIGHT BACK IN, fer the fart smell had sunk right ta the bottom o' the ocean.  

 

"What in the name of Trident's armpits is that smell!" he said, holdin his nose, even under the water.

 

All o' the fish had swum away and now the area around ol' Davey's locker was as still as can be.  Davey did decide he had ta be findin the origin o' whatever did scare his Kraken, and whatever did maket his horrible smell!  So, he did take a secret back way outta the locker (he be an old pirate o' course, so's whaddayathink?  Sure'n he did have himself a back way out!).

 

Davey made his way ta the surface followin the path of empty ocean what the FWSNBN did leave as it sank to the bottom, and he did spy the keel of the "Oh Noooo!" as he rouse. 

 

Now ya see, the thing about being a fella what does live down on the bottom o' the ocean is , ya be havin' a differ'nt perspective on things don't ya see?  Whilst you and me might a needed ta see the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh's flag ta know what ship we were seein, all ol' Davey needed ta see was the keel. 

 

"Blast and curse me fer an ijit!" he bellowed.  "I shoulda know 'twas only one place that foul stench could come from...the butt of the Dread Pirate Arrrgghh.   Blast the man and his foul emissions!"

 

He sank back down to the bottom of the sea and stood outside his locker and pitched himself a right royal fit!  He hollered and yelled and jumped about til he done finally went and worn himself out.  

 

 



 

 

Now that he had thrown his little coniption fit.ya see, he could once more start plottin.   And that's EXACTLY what he did. 

 

"That blasted stink factory must have a weakness...arrrrr.  I'll be findin' it, and when I do.." he began to laugh.  "He'll be a permanent guest in Davey Jones' Locker! Har Har Har..." he laughed evily.  (Well, ta be fair, tis not possible fer him ta laugh any other way!).

 

 

 

Now, as ya might have guessed, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh did have a weakness.  One weakness.  Fer one thing.  Ya know what it is don't ya!  Of course ya do!

 

  Image

That's right, Atomic Joe's Baked Beans.   Frankly, it weren't too hard fer ol' Davey to find out about it neither.  Oh sure'n he'll be tellin ya that he did investigate hither and yon and did use all his crafty and sneaky whiles ta fretter out the truth of it.  He'll go on and on and on and on and on and...well, ya be gettin the point. 

 

But the fact is, he's a lyin ol' prat!  He went down into his locker and started whinin' about how he wasn't never gonna figure it out and makin a big fuss and such, and one of the poor fellas stuck down there, who, truth be told, had no bit o' love in his heart fer our boy Tim (ya know who it is now, so don't act like ye don't!) just blurted out "That foul fella is obsessed with baked beans.  Atomic Joe's.  He'll do anything ta get 'em."

 

Davey stopped, and looked at the fella and started smiling the most evil nasty smile what ever done been smiled by an evil fella who does live on the bottom of the sea. 

 

Image grinning.

 

Now, as if'n the loud mouthed fella who spilled the...well...beans...if'n you'll pardon the pun, hadn't done enough..he kept on talking.

 

"But you'll never find any.  They be impossible ta find...tis why he'll go anywhere ta get 'em cause they can't be found nowhere!"

 

Davey started that evil laugh again "Har Har Har!"  and he kept on laughin fer a good long time.  When he finally stopped, he looked up and said.."Well ya fine lad ye...then I don't really NEED ta find any do I?  I just need ta let that blasted smelly idiot think I be havin some...! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!!!".

 

Now the thing about being basically dead, and ya know, just sorta layin about on the bottom of the sea 'n all is that you have a great deal o' patience.  'Cause ya see, rumours, despite what many might say, don't really spread all that fast.  (Well, leastways not in the days of pirates when there weren't not blasted In Ter Net and such and it did takes months and all just to get a blasted letter, ya know, assuming yer kids would take the time ta write ya one, blasted ingrates...but..umm.I be digressin again!)

 

Well, anyways, sure enough, Davey begins spreadin the rumour that the very reason that Atomic Joe's be so hard ta find is that HE has Atomic Joe himself down in the locker, and has been keepin all the beans there fer himself. 

 

Now, of course, as ya well now, Barton von Beantle (aka: Atomic Joe) was, point in fact, NOT in Davey Jones' locker.  But, as ye also know he was a bit of whiny pants yellow-tailed coward as well, and he was more'n glad ta let people think whatever they wanted.  So, me point being when the rumour did start spreadin, our boy Barton didn't say a peep, but just let people talk. 

 

And, sure enough, as they be want ta do..they did.  Oh, it did take a few months, ta be sure, but the day finally arrived, when as the "Oh NOooo!" was plundering a fine bit o' booty outta a merchant ship (and the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh was rantin and raviin that there weren't now Atomic Joe's on board), one of the sailors did pipe up and let the cat out o' the bag.

"Sir, Mr. Dread Pirate Arrrggghh sir..if'n you'll be pardonin me, the reason that them there beans be so hard ta find is ol' Atomic Joe done gone ta Davey Jones' locker!"

 

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh's mouth closed.  He turned slowly to the fella, and gave him the:

 



 

Well, of course the fella did pass right out.

(Ya think that the man might learn that if'n he does go about givin the "Dread Look" ta folks then he'll just have ta be wastin' time waitin fer em to wake back up...but nooooo, he don't never learn!)

 

So, once the "Looked" lad did wake back up, they did set about gettin the tale from him.  The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh, was less than pleased.

 

"What in the name of Poseiden's prickled posterior does a fella with a skeleton head need with MY baked beans?!? By all right's he shouldn't be eatin anything at all instead o' takin me beans.  'Tain't right I be sayin...and methinks I won't be standin fer it at all...arrrrrrrr..."

 

He looked (not the "Dread Look" mercifully) at the crew and he slowly said  "Boys...bring me the chest I told ya never ta bring ta me..."

 

(Ya just know what's gonna happen now)

 

"But Cap'n..ya told us never, under no circumstances, were we ta bring ya that chest!" said a brave, but undeniably stupid crew member. 

 

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh gave him (ya know..ya know..shout it out loud, cause ya know!!)



 

As the first fella was still collapsin to the deck, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh turned again and shouted "BOYS!  I NOT BE IN A TRIFFLIN' MOOD!  GET ME THAT CHEST!"

 

The crew jumped and ran to the place they'd hidden the chest.  None of 'em had a clue what was in it, and they were far to afeared of their Cap'n ta open it when he had told em not ta. 

 

As they brought the chest up.  The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh took it, and headed fer his cabin.  As he opened the door he turned back ta the crew.

 

"Boys" he began. "Don't ya be disturbin me for a good two hours now.  There's no reason good enough lads.  I need to be undisturbed now. "

 

He then called out ta the helmsman "Helmsman!"

(Well I told ya he called out the helmsman!)

"Head fer...." he paused.  "Head fer the Reef of No Return" and he slammed his door shut as the crew gasped.

 

Now, the Reef of No Return is the most feared peice o' ocean what can be sailed, if'n in fact, it can be sailed.  Fer in truth, no ship what ever tried has made it through, and in fact, they've all ended up...in Davey Jones' Locker!

 

But ya see, of course, that were the point.  Oh, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh was a fine sailor, and it might be true that pressed ta his limits, he might managed ta sail the Reef, but that weren't his plan, no not one bit.  Fer he was after something bigger than sailin the Reef.  He was after:

 

 

Now, of course the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh knew that he better have a very good plan if'n he wanted ta go to Davey Jones' locker, get the beans, (and maybe Atomic Joe himself if'n he was lucky) and get himself back out again.  The truth was, he had no idea how he was gonna get it done.  But, he did have somethin he knew that nobody knew he had, and which he thought was certain ta give him an edge. 

 

As he sat in his cabin, he took his last two cans of Atomic Joes off his shelf, opened em up and then turned to the chest he had set upon his bunk.  He took the chest over to his desk, sat it down, and began to examine it. 

 

It was old, and worn, and carved into the sides of it were the following words:

 

"Don't ya even think about openin this chest. 

 

Stop! 

 

No really, ya don't wanna do it! 

 

Now listen, even if ya do, think about it again.  And if ya are so foolish as to open this up, then don't ya dare be usin what's inside. 

 

I mean it now!

 

Ya might think "Oh this is just one o' those silly warnin's that don't mean doodly" but it's not!  Don't do it.  Now, last..if'n yer soooo blasted stupid that ya decide yere gonna use it anyway...under no circumstances at all, no way, never,

DO NOT EVEN BEGIN TA THINK ABOUT IT! 

 

Do not ever ever ever use the contents of this chest on ATOMIC JOES BAKED BEANS! 

 

There..ya been warned  Sincerely, The In a Chest Company".

 

(Warnin' labels back in them days were a bit longer than was actually necessary...but then again, most people couldn't read the blasted things anyway, so there's that then.)

 

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh turned to his pot of Atomic Joes baked beans which was simmerin on his stove, ...and he opened the chest.

 

Two hours later, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh came out of his cabin.  He looked at the crew and they could see that he was in a state, but they just weren't 'xactly sure what state.

 

"Lads", he began.  "Ye've been a good crew.  Ye've been a loyal crew.  I want ye ta know that.  But tis time fer ya to go.  Ya can't be comin with me now.  Mayhap, if'n I get back, you'll be wanted to take ship with me again.  I'd be glad ta have ye."

 

The crew stood with mouths open, in stunned silence.  There were a variety of reasons fer this.  First, they were waitin fer something nasty and horrible ta be yelled at em.  Now it's not just these fellas mind ya, pirates in general ain't used ta havin folk call 'em a) good, and b) loyal.  To be frank, they weren't sure it wasn't a bit insultin. 

 

Now, on top a that, if'n ya had told em that these words were ever gonna be directed at em from the Cap'n, well, they'd have wet themselves from laughin so hard.  The Dead Pirate Arrrggghh might be a good Cap'n, and he might, in point o' fact, take care of his crew in many ways, but he was not a man ta be all effusive and sentimental like.  No, he was more like ta tell em they were lazy useless scurvy dogs, and then give em all enough ale ta drink themselves more stupid then they already were! 

 

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh looked at the crew, and they looked back. 

 

He looked at them.

 

They looked at him.

 

"WELL GET THE BLUE BLAZES OFF ME BLASTED BOAT BEFORE I LOSE ME GODFERSAKEN TEMPER NOW!" He finally screamed.

Normally, that would have been enough.  But the crew just stood there, lookin at him.  Not sure what they should do.  

 

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh felt himself feelin both grateful fer their loyalty and blasted angry at their insolence.  The angry bit, as usual, won out.

 

"IF YA DON'T GET OFF ME BOAT IN THE NEXT 6 SECONDS I'LL BE FORCED TO FLATTEN ALL OF YE WITH..."

 

 

The crew, abandoned ship.  Quickly. 

 

Now, it might seem that the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh was being a mean nasty ol' pirate, which, of course, he was, but in fact, he wasn't.  I know, I know, it's all a bit confusin.   Ya see, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh did not want the crew ta have to go to Davey Jones' locker.  In case he didn't get back, he wanted the crew ta be safe. 

 

He might notta ever said it like that, but that was the truth of it nonetheless. 

 

So, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh, alone on his ship, pointed it towards the Reef of No Return, and what he felt was his destiny.

 

It didn't take long.  He had timed releasin the crew well, and he hit the reefs in only about an hour's sailin. 

 

With a full crew, and all of his wits, he mighta been able to master the Reef, but alone, he had no hope.  Not, of course that he wanted any.  Soon enough, the Oh Noooo ran against the reef, and began...to sink. 

 

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh ran to the back of the ship, and began emptyin bottles of ale onta the decks.  This was another reason he had to let the crew off...despite their fear and loyalty, they just mighta mutinied had they seen him poorin all that ale out.  He emptied ever bottle, and every cask , and then put the stoppers back in.

 

Then, he sat on his deck, and waited fer his ship ta sink. 

 

Now, if'n things had stayed on this course, there might not have been any further tales of the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.  Fer as feircsome as he was, he was not able to breath water, nor was he likely ta get all the way down ta Davey Jones' locker and back up again on a single held breath.  But, as is the case with many an evil villian, Davey Jones did something stupid. 

 

He though fer sure that it was over, and that he had won and that the Dread Pirate Arrrgghh was on his way to his doom.  So, he simply had ta go up and gloat.   The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh heard Davey laughin off the port side and he turned his head to look.

 

 

 "Ya fell fer me Trap Arrrggghh!" called Davey.  "Now yer mine ya stupid idjit!  HAR HAR HAR!" he laughed.

 

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh merely looked at him.  "Trap?" he questioned.   "Ya mean ta tell me, do ya now, that you do NOT have Atomic Joe?  That ya don't have a stockpile of his Baked Beans in yer blasted locker?  Is that what yer tryin ta tell me ya blasted skeleton ya!?!"

 

"Well..umm" began Davey, starting to wonder if he might have let the truth be know a wee bit early.   "Well, no, umm..that's not what I be meanin at all, and I do have Atomic Joe..yeah, yeah..that's it.  I do."  he tried to recover.

 

"Yeah, yeah.." he continued.  "The trap, ya see, was in taking him so's you'd come and try and rescue him. Yar..yarr.that's the ticket there.." he smirked at the Dread Pirate Arrrrggghh.  But it was too late.  The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh knew he'd been suckered.

 

"No ya stupid looking skeleton wearin a hat" he said.   "I see through ya now.  And I'm sorry ta say, tis both of us that may be regrettin yer folly."

 

The Oh Nooooo was sinkin quicker now, and the ocean was beginin ta lap over the decks, but the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh just looked at Davey Jones, who sat in the waves feelin a wee bit unsure of himself.  He didn't say anything, but turned and reached down to the deck, picked up the chest he'd opened, and tossed it at Davey. 

 

"Ya see, ya daft creature ya, I never walk into anythin without havin sumpin up me sleeve, or mayhap in this case, up me keister!"

 

Davey picked the floating chest out of the water, and read it. 

 

"NO! " he gasped.  "Ya didn't!"

 

"I did" replied the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.  "And won't be long now, mayhap even seconds, afore we both pay the price fer it."

 

"Yer bluffin" said Davey.  "Even yer not so stupid as to do this."

 

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh just looked back.  His face began to redden.  A look of distress began to creep into his features.

 

"Oh my stars and garters..." he moaned.  "It's the big one!  The real Queen mother!"  He began to shake and clutch at his belly, and Davey Jones just screamed "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!"

 

"I'll tell ya what I've done" said the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh. "I've eaten two cans of Atomic Joe's Baked Beans, and topped them off with...THE DEVIL'S OWN HOT SAUCE!!!"

 

 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  YOU FOOL!" screamed Davey Jones as he ducked back under the waves to try and escape what was coming. 

 

But, it was too late.  Far too late.  The Devil's Own Hot Sauce, and Atomic Joe's Baked Beans.  Lads and lassies...if TFWSNBN is a fearsome and nameless thing, what then for something so much the worse? 

 

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh turned his rumpus towards where Davey Jones had been, and what erupted from him, might have tainted the very oceans, might have destroyed life on earth. 

 

But it didn't.  Fer the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh knew what was coming.  When he dumped all that ale on the decks, he knew that the burning flames of fart perdition would catch on the ale, and, that the bottles and casks of fresh clean air he had captured would be incinerated, and would mix with the horror of the flatulence to end all flatulence. 

 

And, it worked.  (It' don't matter if'n it doesn't make any blasted sense or not, it worked and that's all ya be needin ta know.  The world did not end, and the oceans did not smell like farts fer all enternity.  It worked.)

 

Still, the power of that flaming funnell of fart was felt in the far corners of the oceans.  Poesiden, Triton and the lords of the seas stopped and stared.   The nameless monsters of the depths all shook with the fear of that horrific fart. 

 

Davey Jones hid in his locker fer nearly 12 years after.  Not a sailor did he take, nor a peep did he make.  He never again came near to the Oh Nooooo, nor did he even speak the name of the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.

 

As fer our boy Tim, well, ya know in the end he remained as he was.  The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.  Though, fer weeks after, he did sit on frozen plates of ice and did refuse to eat anything that might remotely stir the fires of his flatulence.

 

As for the Kraken...it put up a sign on the outside of it's cave which read "Out of town" and was never heard from again.

 



The End.



The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh and the Search for Atomic Joe

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh and the Search for Atomic Joe

Long ago, in the days when pirates did rule the seven seas, there lived a pirate more feared, more frightening, more dangerous and more deadly than any other pirate what ever did set sail...

 

 

THE DREAD PIRATE ARRRGGGHH

Now, as ye may or may not be knowin’, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh was feared by all who did er' cross his path, and ‘twas fer but one reason, and one reason only....he had the worst farts what ‘ere were to be flatulated 'pon the face o' this fine planet. Birds been known to fall stone dead out o' the sky just ‘fer flyin’ through a risin’ Dread Pirate Arrrggghh (DPA) fart cloud.  Small children had been who had been thought ta have gone missin’ were really just blown from one end o’ the county ta the other, all fer passin’ a wee bit too close ta the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh after eating a nice big batch o’ Atomic Joe’s baked beans.   Aye, ‘tis true.  Fer though the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh was the deadliest of swordsmen, the fiercest of fighters, and the toughest and most dangerous pirate ta ere’ sail the seven seas; none o’ that matter’d a wit. ‘Twas his farts that struck fear in the hearts of all. 

Now, on this fine and loverly day, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh was havin’ one o’ his famous rants.  He was stormin’ ‘bout the deckof the “Ohhh Noooooo!” and ‘twas settin’ the crew in a tizzy.  Ya see, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh was a baked bean connoisseur if ya will, an expert on the fine art o’ bakin a bean.  He was a bean gourmand.  In his learned opinion, ‘twas no finer baked bean than those what were baked by Atomic Joe.   And they were blessed hard ta find.  As soon as the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh found a case, he’d find that he was neigh ta runnin’ out again.  ‘Twas a predicament, and that was ta be sure. 

“#^&%*&$^*!&*%^!!!!!@!(I*!&*^!*V!!!  ATOMIC #$@#$@&#%$# JOES!!!!!” shouted the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.  (Alright, ‘tis true, he did not in fact shout “Number sign, carrot, ampersand, percentage, asterisk, ampersand, dollar sign..etc”, but this is after all a tale fer the kiddies, so the profane nature of a pirate must be a bit, well, edited.  ‘Tis fer yer own blasted protection!)   “Why can’t you blasted scurvy excuses fer pirates do the one blasted thing I done been tellin ya ta do fer the past 3 odd years!!?!?!”

“FIND ME ATOMIC JOE!!!!” 

Ya see, in the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh’s mind, the only solution ta his constant supply issues, was ta find Atomic Joe hisself hisself and take him aboard the “Ohhhh Nooooo!” as ship’s cook.  It seemed as if this was the perfect solution ta his problem.  ‘Cept fer one small issue; they could not find Atomic Joe.   They had been searchin’ high and low fer as long as most o’ the crew could remember, and not a single sign o’ him was ta be found.  So, just about once a month er so, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh would lose his mind and have a right royal hissy fit about the whole thing.   This were one o’ those times. 

So the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  let his wrath out, and the crew, as was sometimes the case, had ta bear it.  Now, mostly that entailed nothin’ more’n havin’ ta listen to the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh holler a blue streak and every now and again throw a bit o’ crockery about.  Oh, tis true that one time he did toss one o’ the crew overboard and proceeded to try and run him o’er with the ship.  But, tell me, have ya ever tried ta take a fine 3 masted schooner and run down a single sole out floatin out in the ocean?  Can’t be done save by accident.  No matter how fine a sailor ya be.  And in truth, that tale does give the crew a good laugh when they tell it whilst they be havin’ a bit a rum.  Well, more’n a bit.  Just a wee bit more.  Well, ok, a great deal more.  Fine..when they are drunk off’n their behinds!  Well, what da ya expect, they be pirates!

Well, we’ve gotten a bit off’n the tale now, so, where was I?  Ah, yes, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  was lookin fer Atomic Joe.   Now, it might be a good time ta tell ya a bit about Atomic Joe.  First off, there was a very good reason that the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  was never able to find him.  He don’t exist.  The crew had realized this about a week into the first search, but were a bit too afraid ta tell their cap’n fer fear of being tossed o’er board and chased by the boat.  (It may not be possible, but tis still cold and unpleasant ta be stuck in the ocean and be chased about by a grand big boat!).  So, they knew that, no matter how hard they looked, they weren’t never gonna find Atomic Joe.  Now, the crew, at times, can be bright.  And at times, they can be dumb as a rock.  So, they were bright enough ta know they weren’t n’er gonna find Atomic Joe, but were so daft that they didn’t bother ta think that SOMEBODY was cookin those blasted beans?!  And that somebody was a crotchedy fella named Barton von Beantle. 

Barton von Beantle

Barton von Beantle was a middle-aged fella who had always wanted ta be a chef, but had come ta find that he couldn’t actually cook worth a hoot.  ‘Cept fer one thing.  Baked Beans.  Barton von Beantle could bake a blasted bean better’n anyone.  So, he created Atomic Joes.  And a legend were born.  Ya see, Atomic Joes baked beans were so powerful that people had been known ta spontaneously combust just by smellin’ ‘em cookin.  Legend has it that once, on a small island outside a Bermuda, a group of four young lads did eat one bite each o’ Atomic Joes, and they became so profusely and powerfully flatulent  that they sank the island.  (In other words me lads and lassies, they did fart so much that it do blow the island ta pieces!).  

Ta this day, planes, boats, fishes, birds, and anything that does pass near “the Bermuda Triangle” sometimes vanishes, ne’r ta be seen again!  ‘Tis no mystery at all me boyos!  Tis the remnants o’ those farts! 

Now, as ‘tis often the case, something that is so dangerous ta eat that you’d think nobody would be fool enough ta try, instead of becoming just a bad bit o’ cookin’ left to the past, instead becomes a gourmet’s delight.  People sought out Atomic Joes and the prices of the beans went through the roof.  And worst of all, from the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh’s perspective, the beans became scarce.  They were impossible ta find.  Now, this is, in fact, in no small part due to the fact that the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh did grab up any and all he could find.  ‘Course he never quite understood that.

Now, as it happens, on this one particular day when the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh was havin’ his fine fit, a boat was unlucky enough ta be sailin within sight of the “Ohhh Noooooo!”.  The crewmember in the crow’s nest hollered “Ship ahoy Cap’n” and the crew breathed a sigh of relief, fer they knew that the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh’s temper was about ta be re-direct, and they really didn’t much care about the folks who were gonna be on the receivin’ end, as long as it weren’ them ya see.           

“A ship?” growled the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.  “TA ARMS ME BUCKOS!”

The crew ran about, preparin’ the cannons, runnin up and down in the riggin’ fer no reason whatsoever, and basically acting as busy as they could.  It looked quite impressive from a distance. 

Now, ya mighta guessed this already, fer yer smart enough.  Oh, I can tell ya know, fer yer able ta read, and that in and of itself places ya a bit higher on the intellectual charts than yer average pirate.  ‘Tis true…arrrrrr.  So, mayhap ya done already figured out just WHO was aboard this unlucky craft.   Barton von Beantle. 

Ya see, the one downside o’ making a baked bean what can ‘cause spontaneous combustion is that ya might, all accidentally now, spontaneously combust the wrong person.   And it could be that that unfortunately flammable fellow might have the wrong sort a relatives who might not think so kindly on the maker o’ the bean what did spontaneously combust their family member.  So, in fact, it ‘twas.  Fer the forty-fifth cousin o’ the King o’ Binghamhosrtchasmer (don’t ask me where ‘tis, needless ta say with a name like that, it probably ain’t around no more!) had taken it upon himself ta eat a can o’ Atomic Joes.  When the King came ta call on his cousin, all that remained was a single singed piece o’ his trousers.  And a great awful stink.

Burned pants

So the King had decreed that Barton von Beantle  was ta be beheaded fer the crime of conspiring ta combust.  So, as any right minded fellow would do, Barton von Beantle  got on a boat, and fled.  When he saw the flag of the “Ohhh Noooo!”  his very first thought was “Oh now isn’t that just a smack in the face!”.  Ya see, Barton von Beantle had no idea that the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh was, ta put it mildly, his number one fan.  All he was sure of, was that he had fled from havin his head chopped off and run smack into the most feared pirate what ‘er sailed the seven seas. 

“Well, I suppose walking the plank will be a bit less painful than having me head chopped off.” He thought.  “And probably a great deal less messy I should think..”

So, he raised a white flag of surrender as the “Ohh Noooo!” bore down on his small ship.  But the “Ohh Nooooo!” wasn’t slowing down, and he could distinctly hear the shout of “ARM CANNONS!” coming over the waves. 

“Oh dear!” he shouted.  “Oh dear dear dear!”  He began to run about on his deck, and waved his arms and kept shouting “Oh dear dear dear!”  At some point he was aware that might not be quite as effective as something like “Don’t shoot, I give up!”, so he shouted that instead.  At the top of his lungs, and repeatedly.  It sound a bit like this:

“OHDEAROHDEAROHDEARDON’TSHOOTIGIVEUPDON’TSHOOTIGIVEUPOHPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEDON’TSHOOTIGIVEUPIHAVE300CASESOFATOMICJOESBAKEDBEANSPLEASEDONTKILLME!!!”

Of course, ta get the real effect ya’d have ta say all that in about 2 ½ seconds. 

Still, there are a few phrases that the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  seems ta be able to hear quite clearly, and “I have 300 cases of Atomic Joes baked beans” would most assuredly be one of them. 

“DON’T SHOOT YA BLASTED IDJITS!” he barked.  “Bring us along her side….arrrrrr”

As the “OH Nooooo!” came to the side of Barton von Beantle  ship, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  looked down and in his most fearsome growl ( a growl that had been known ta make grown men wet their pants, ta make dogs bite themselves on the butt and run away, ta make monkeys fling their own poo at themselves…well, ya get the point) he said:

“Did you say you had 300 cases of Atomic Joes baked beans?”  He turned his eyes on Barton von Beantle  and gave him THE LOOK!

Barton von Beantle  passed out, wet himself, threw up, woke up and did it all over again. 

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  told the crew ta see what was aboard the ship.  He told them to take the “prissy little fella” and hang him from his toes from the yardarm.  If, there were no Atomic Joes on his boat, ‘twas the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh’s intention ta give him a short, but extremely intimate introduction to his “Door Blastin’ Fart o’ Fire”. 

Now, as it turned out, Barton von Beantle  was not very good at arithmetic, and instead of 300 cases, there were actually 3000 cases in the hold o’ his ship.  The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  nearly pee’d himself with excitement when he heard.  Still, he planned on finding out how this rather foppish fella had managed ta stockpile 3000 cases of Atomic Joes.  So he left him hangin’ by his toes.

This was a bit of a problem.  Fer every time Barton von Beantle  woke up, he would scream once, loudly (and rather girlishly if truth be told) and pass out again.  After about 10 repetitions of this, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  finally had him taken down and sat him in a chair.  He than sat in front of Barton von Beantle and waited fer him to awake.   This honestly didn’t work out any better, fer as soon as Barton von Beantle opened his eyes and saw the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  he would again scream and pass out. 

“Oh what the bloody hell!” shouted the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh, and he moved his chair to sit directly behind Barton von Beantle, and they placed a picture of a small little kitten in front of him. 

Finally, when Barton von Beantle  woke up, he saw the kitten, and screamed like a girl and passed out.  (You see, he had a terrible fear of cats.)

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF TRITON’S STINKY BUTT IS WRONG WITH THIS….THIS….PERSON!” screamed the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  as he stomped about the deck.  They tried a daisy, and Barton screamed and passed out.  They tried a puppy.  Same thing.  They tried a butterfly and he not only screamed and passed out, but again wet himself. Finally, the just put a big square of wood painted brown in front of him.  And this time he didn’t pass out. 

“Oh, that’s a wonderful brown” he said.  “Reminds me of a nice baked bean.”

“Don’t turn around” said the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh, in a voice that was as nice as he could make it.  (Which meant it was only slightly less terrifying than his normal voice). 

“Eep” said Barton.

“If ya pass out again lad, I’m gonna have yer feet cut off and fed ta the sharks.  So let’s try and stay awake shall we?   Hmm?  Arrrrrrrrr”  said the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.

“Eeep  eeep” said Barton, who was clearly on the verge of passing out and trying his very best not to.  He just kept staring at the brown wood and thinking of beans.

“Now lad, ya might be knowin who I am, might’nt ya not?” asked Tim. (which, as ya may know, was the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh real name.).

“eeeep   eeeeeeep eepe eeeep” said Barton.

“OH FER THE LUV O’…”

“thedreadpiratearrrggghhsiryouarethedreadpiratearrrggghhandpleasedontkillmepleasepleaseplease” said Barton as fast as he could.

“Well that’s entirely up ta you now lad.  Ya see, I be havin’ a few questions, and if’n the answers are one’s what be pleasing ta me, well, mayhap you’ll not have ta visit Davey Jones….arrrr” said the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.  “’Course, if’n I don’t like what ya have ta say, I may just send ya down ta ol’ Davey in bits and pieces now, all o’ which might be a bit smokey, after I introduce ya to me “Door Blastin’ Fart o’ Fire”..arrrrr”.

Barton just started to cry.  “Oh please..(sob)..please don’t…(sob)…please please pleasepleaseplease don’t fart on me Mr. Dread Pirate Arrrgghh sir…(sob sob sob)” he sobbed.

“Tell me this then lad, if’n ya’d rather I pointed me flatulent buttox elsewhere…WHERE did you get all those cases o’ Atomic Joes?” asked the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.

“Well…what?” said Barton, clearly unsure if some kind of game was being played. “Well, I got them at my factory sir..where else?”

“yer….factory?” said the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.  “Are ya trying ta tell me that you own the factory what makes Atomic Joes?” he said almost incredulous.  “And lad, if’n yer lying ta me about this, well, let’s just say I can eat a whole case o’ them beans, and I shall, and THEN will I make a nice flatulent introduction to me arse!...arrrrr”

“No sir, I’m not lying.  I do own the factory that produces Atomic Joes” Barton said, not sure if he should be terrified at the prospect of a fart produced by an entire case of his beans, or hopeful that he might get out of this un-farted upon.

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  stood silently for nearly 10 minutes.  He shook his head, and muttered to himself.  He burst into laughter, and ranted.  He then walked around and stood in front of Barton, and took his face in one of his hands, and drew his face closer, letting Barton smell his horrible beany breath, and he looked Barton in the eye and said “And just where then….IS ATOMIC JOE!!!!!!!!”

As he screamed the last line Barton’s hair flew back and his face was covered with spittle from the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh.  “I WANT ATOMIC JOE AND I WANT HIM NOW!”

Barton looked confused and wasn’t sure what to say.   He knew that he couldn’t say “But sir, there is no Atomic Joe.  I make the beans” because clearly the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  was not in a state of mind to hear that.  So instead, he summoned up all of his courage and said..

“I am Atomic Joe.”

The Dread Pirate Arrrggghh stood stone still.  Looked Barton up and done a few times.   Thought about 3000 cases of Atomic Joes.   He turned and looked Barton in the eye and said “No lad, yer not.   Yer the new cook on the “Ohhhh Nooooo!”.

He turned, walked back to his cabin, hummin a tune to himself that went something like “Atomic Joes, Atomic Joes, I got him now and nobody knows.  I’ll eat me beans and fart all day, and every other pirate will just run away…la la la la la”. 

The crew was stunned.   Barton was stunned.  The First Mate walked up to him and said “Lad, you had best be who ya say ya are.  Fer if yer not, well it will be bad fer us all.” 

“Oh sir” said Barton.  “But I’m NOT.  I mean..there IS NO ATOMIC JOE!!” 

“Yar lad, we know” said the First Mate.  “But there is now.”

And from that day forth, the Dread Pirate Arrrggghh  never again had to hunt fer Atomic Joes baked beans.  Instead, because of his own prodigious appetite, he simply had to hunt for the INGREDIENTS to Atomic Joes.